sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
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If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
What the hell happened in there??
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker