Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
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Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD