@seanforhire

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

@seanforhire

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

@seanforhire

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

@seanforhire

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

@seanforhire

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

@seanforhire

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@seanforhire

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways