me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
#milo
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I want this so bad
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.