“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
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Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking