Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day