The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
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There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes