What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!