*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!