If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months