Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
sleeping beauty
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?