It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
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Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
You sure about that?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.