“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
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museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.