What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
The happy life.. 😊
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
#parenting
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]