My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
That 👊
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).