I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
this is funnier than any friends episode
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Love is in the air fryer.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Breaking news:
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”