how do y’all walk in shallow water
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
multitasking lunch
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.