@sensual_dad

a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials

@sensual_dad

just got into a fist fight at the grocery store because i was hoarding ALL of the sensuality

@sensual_dad

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

@sensual_dad

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

@sensual_dad

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@sensual_dad

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman