Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Breaking news:
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Fries, not lies.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Google reviews are always so mixed..
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.