I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?