My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect