@serendipitydon1

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.

@serendipitydon1

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

@serendipitydon1

I just found the Covid-19 Yelp page and left such a scathing review that it may kill the virus.

@serendipitydon1

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

@serendipitydon1

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

@serendipitydon1

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

@serendipitydon1

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

@serendipitydon1

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.