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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.