Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy