I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
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[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.