happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
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If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Has there ever been a more American story?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that