I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.