*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
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People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …