Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.