Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
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Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
When I snag the last meatball.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
car not found
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.