Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
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[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Who did it better?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
#parenting
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.