Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.