My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
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*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
The biggest mystery of our time
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I need better friends
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.