I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem