you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
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They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.