Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
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I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on