One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
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[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.