As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.