Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
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ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I am HOWLING at this