@shadygeekdad

My father in law is one of those “deep sigh until someone asks what’s wrong” kind of women.

@shadygeekdad

Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she’s overreacting. She’ll realize you’re right and calm right down.

@shadygeekdad

I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!”

@shadygeekdad

DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you.
ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!

@shadygeekdad

Living well isn’t the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.

@shadygeekdad

When I know I’ve posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I’m Jason Statham walking from an explosion.