Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I鈥檓 gonna need a minute
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You鈥檙e gonna buy too many
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I鈥檓 eating water and air today
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 馃槇
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
no one:
my 5yo: you can鈥檛 be mad without eyebrows
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
very niche meme I made
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.