Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
You Might Also Like
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Phones down.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Cause of death: Zumba
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.