[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread