How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
#NeverForget
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D