Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)