This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.