@shanethevein: My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We'll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

@shanethevein: I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can't use "It's Monday" as an excuse.

@shanethevein: He died doing what he loved.

He didn't know she was married.

@shanethevein: If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

@shanethevein: I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I'm good.

@shanethevein: Cop said that it's illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.

I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?

@shanethevein: Wait, there's a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

@shanethevein: The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".

@shanethevein: I'm sorry I punched you when you said "Facebook me".

I thought you said "Face punch me".