Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
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Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?