The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
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Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Meme Monday.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?