Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Stop sending me this shit.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah