[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
You Might Also Like
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order