@shariv67

We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.

@shariv67

I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.

@shariv67

God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

@shariv67

Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”

@shariv67

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

@shariv67

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

@shariv67

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

@shariv67

This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.

@shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

@shariv67

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.