@shariv67
We asked George, the office conspiracy theorist, to organize the Christmas party to show him how impossible it is to get a group of people to work together towards a common goal.
@shariv67
@shariv67
I sleep with my grandad’s WWII bayonet under my pillow. You never know when someone might break in and start filming Antiques Road Show.
@shariv67
God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.
@shariv67
Parents tell you their baby’s weight because they have no other information. They can’t say “Meet Jim, a free spirit who’s into yodeling.”
@shariv67
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
@shariv67
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
@shariv67
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
@shariv67
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
@shariv67
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
@shariv67
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.