Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
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[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?