@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.